I Don't Know How To Be a Feminist

Since starting this blog and Twitter I have learned a much needed lessen. You see I've finally realized that I've been trying to be something I'm not. I'm not some hardcore feminist. As much as I would like to write intelligent, thought provoking rants with words like rape culture, cisgender, ablist, white privilege, and intersectionality, I'm just not there yet.

Granted, I started this blog and Twitter during a very serious hashtag movement. #Yesallwomen and #eacheverywoman is a very serious topic. It deserves to be taken seriously.

The problem is that I'm taking myself too seriously. The truth is I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Because I don't know what the hell I'm doing I've been trying way too hard. I'm trying to be on the same level as these hardcore feminists who use all those fancy words and pretend I understand what on earth I'm talking about. Most of the time, I'm just making a fool of myself instead. (The /pol/ 4chan incident is an excellent example!)

Worst of all, I keep trying to be the "perfect" feminist. I want to say all the right things, do all the right things because I think I need to fit in with the other feminists. I want to be accepted. I want to be seen as one of them. I want to be a card carrying hard core feminist too. I want to be able to smash the patriarchy!

The problem is that I'm not being true to myself. I like to laugh. I think many feminists I have come across take themselves far too seriously. The best time I had on Twitter this past week was when I kept making jokes for the #yesallcats satire hashtag movement. And if I'm going to be really honest there were a few jokes on the #yesallwomenjokes hashtag that I laughed at.

But I'm not supposed to because I'm a feminist.

Another reason I realized I don't have to be so damn serious all the time is because I've been reading How To Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran and she's funny. She rants about the big things like patriarchy but finds the absurdity of the little things too like periods and shaving and even masturbation, What's bizarre is that I'm reading The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan at the exact same time. Friedan is as serious as a heart attack all the time and only discusses the big issues. They are both feminists but are like night and day.

Certainly I want to do what I can to help the feminist movement but I'm trying so hard that I'm ignoring who I am as a feminist. What kind of feminist do I want to be? The truth is at this point I think I want to be more like Caitlin Moran that I do Betty Friedan. I want to write about things with words like rape culture, cisgender, ablist, white privilege, and intersectionality, but can't I do it and be funny at the same time? (Okay, probably not.)

So until I get to words like rape culture, cisgender, ablist, white privilege, and intersectionality, I'm just going to have to stick with what I know. I know about Disney Princesses and boys being told not to cry or throw like a girl. I know about my daughter dressing like a boy and my son being teased because he's short and thus not as masculine as the other boys. I know about raising boys without a father figure and being a girl growing up with homemakers as examples (unless you count the Avon lady). I know about playing with Barbie dolls, selling cookies as a Girl Scout, and never having to work on the farm because I was a girl. I know about getting married at only 18 and finally living without a man to take care of me at 32.

I want to find my feminist voice. Not Caitlin's voice or Betty's voice or anyone else's feminist voice but mine. That means doing something very scary. That means being me and deciding that other feminists can take me or leave me. It means deciding that what other people think of me doesn't matter. It means saying what I think and feel even if it doesn't always agree with feminism. It means admitting that I want to be pretty and skinny, wear makeup and find true love and that I don't know how to reconcile those things with feminism.

It means admitting I don't know how to be a feminist my way.